Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
