i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
