I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
