I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
3pm strippers are depressing
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
