I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
