i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
