He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
