Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just took my morning after pill in the library
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
