I want to have your abortion
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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