Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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