Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
