The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize