i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
