The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
