from now on my penis is your penis
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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