He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
