Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
