We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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