my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
