Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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