Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Please don't give away my fajitas
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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