Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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