Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
