He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
