I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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