so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
