Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
