I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
All I want is dick and wine.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
