..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize