My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
