he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
