I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
