Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
