hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
