You can't motorboat a personality
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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