if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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