saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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