allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
