Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
