He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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