Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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