i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
