wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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