oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
