i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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