I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
