dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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