I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
