Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
