He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
