Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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