I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I think weed is turning my hair brown
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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