i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
