My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
