Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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