How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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