i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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