Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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