Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
