i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He told me they were just razor bumps!
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
