So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
